A Disappointing God

One of my cousins has been waiting for years to get married to the 'Prince Charming' that hasn't popped up yet. When I visited them in Istanbul last month, her younger sister showed us the doll she's been keeping for years (symbolizing her long wait in expectation and the disappointment that's followed) and made fun of her. When I looked at the doll, I felt so confused and didn't know what to say. I just stared at it and shot a couple of photos.  Perhaps, it's just me and my beautiful mind that still make me feel so sad about that doll. Weeks after our visit to my cousins, I remembered this poem by Emily Dickinson. 

There comes an hour when begging stops,

When the long interceding lips

Perceive their prayer is vain.

"Thou shalt not" is a kinder sword

Than from a disappointing God

"Disciple, call again." 

Disappointment

Princess Milou and I are in Istanbul visiting my family.  Milou qualifies as a lap child so purchasing one ticket we took a straight flight from Sarajevo. Milou kept climbing up the seatback to show her blowing rasperries to the rest of the passengers all the flight long. One of the flight attendants even reminded us once more to keep the seatbelt fastened with all her politeness. Her eyes, though, were telling me that she could see how impossible it was to do so. A lovely couple from Katar was particularly interested in Milou and  she did all her best to attrack their attention while they were having their snacks. Well, she didn't take a nap during the flight but since it took only 1 hour and 20 minutes there isn't much else to report. 

Her super dad doesn't complain about it when we leave but I feel as though I stole all his joy away. So I'm describing the truely priceless happiness in my parent's eyes when they hug Milou at every opportunity- to make things easier. Anyway, Milou obviously has forgot everyone in the family since our last visit that’s why she's been spending that warming up time with the grandparents and 15-year- old uncle Furkan. I felt totally disappointed to find Milou crying whenever I leave the room or having a lot of difficulty falling asleep. I had made a long list of things to do and imagined my little Princess would spend all those hours while I'm out peacefully with her grandparents at home as she did last time we came three months ago. However, it seems unlikely for me to leave her alone with her grandparents to enjoy Autumn İstanbul.   So I still feel disappointed to see that warming up time is getting longer and longer. Perhaps I am a bit impatient to expect things too soon to happen - they say so.  

'Disappointment' by Furkan Ozer

Here is a picture drawn by Milou's uncle Furkan at the age of 4.  I've kept it all those years because it has always reminded me the exact expression hung on my face when I graduated from university as the top scoring student. I had been expecting life would  turn into  something different or turn me into someone different and realizing I’m no different the next morning was just frustrating – an unfiltered disappointment.